If you happen to have the sheep at hand and you want it to confess, you will need:
- Some Rope
- A Chair
- 2 Waterguns, or 13 waterballoons.
- A pair of shears
- Crochet or Knitting needles
- Grass
- An extremely shiny lamp (as seen in interrogations)
- If possible, another person
- A doughnut (2 if the other person is available)
The first thing you must do, is eat the donut(s). This will psych you up for your role as a Copper….errrr, I mean Policeman/woman! Then you should tie your sheep to a chair. This being done, you turn on the lamp and are ready for your interrogation.
Now, there are many approaches and ways in which to get the wool on the sheep. But never let them pull the wool over your eyes. It is imperative that you as a good interrogatee, use the usual, predictable and typical systems of interrogation.
Let us begin with the “Good Cop, Bad Cop” routine, also known as the only police routine we know. It is good to have a couple more doughnuts at hand, just so you look the part. You must also have coffee, for that is the principal of the thing. The best coffee shops are the undiscovered, we-are-not-starbucks-type coffee shops. The first man shall play the Good Cop and the other one shall play the Bad Cop. The good cop shall be nicer, trying to show the sheep affection and therefore elicit a confession, while the bad cop shall inerrupt every once in a while and try to assault the sheep. It works well either way. The Bad cop should try to be loud and the good cop should try to sound like Tomoyo-chan! But first make sure the sheep is properly tied up for many a bad cop has been lost to the evil forces.
Another method is torture. Throw waterballoons at the sheep, shower them with water. Once all their wool is soggy, they’ll be sure to confess. Some say it is better to just crochet (or knit, if you are the type) all the answers out of him. Attach the crochet needle to a strand of wool and just keep crocheting until all of it is lost (it is good if you are making an afghan).
If all else fails, bring in an elderly gentleman and force the sheep to listen to his tales of youth and how when he was around his age he used to walk ten miles to the river to brush his teeth and he used a twig for a brush and mint leaves for toothpaste. He then walked up a mountain to get to school, both ways! He was almost sacrificed, once, to make metal and when he was in school they actually taught things, not the useless cyber-thingamawhatchamacallits of today. And young’uns had respect for their elders, seeing the ordeals they had to face and maybe if you hear this old coot out you’ll understand how hard it was back then, you whippersnapper.
